Chess Funny Video : Old Guy playing chess

Chess Videos : Jeff Klinger Effinfunny Stand Up - Sexy Chess Moves

Funny Chess Video

Chess Jokes : What is a chess program?

"I've created a chess program that mimics human play" said the computer science major.

"So it plays at GM level then?" asks the advising professor.

"No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"

Chess Jokes : Chess has got to go

Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.

One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer's list claims,

1. Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
   
   
2. Chess encourages racism by having a 'war' between a white army and a black army.
   
   
3. Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
   
   
4. Chess glorifies war.
   
   
5. Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
   
   
6. Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
   
   
7. Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.

Said Starsniffer, "There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!

Chess Funny Video :

Chess Funny Video:

Chess Cartoon : What is draw in chess??

Chess Cartoons : Sportsman

Chess Cartoons : Chess and boxing

Chess Cartoons: makeup and pieces

Chess Jokes:Chess Nuts funny

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel.

In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".

"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."

"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.

But why?" a bystander asked.

"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!

Why Michiel Jackson hates to play chess

Why doesn't Michiel Jackson like to play Chess???

Answer: Because he didn't know weither to be Black or White!!

Chess cartoons : Funny Cartoons

Chess Cartoons : Funny Cartoons

Chess cartoon: Funny Cartoon

Chess Funny Jokes : Happy Potter Chess Game -2

BUT ITS NOT FINISHED YET........... THEN THE ORDER SURROUNDS THE REMAINING DEATH EATERS, AND THEY ARE CAPTURED AND PUT IN AZKABAN WITH THE REST OF THE DEATH EATERS. EXCEPT ONE PERSON.


*LUPIN* PULLS CRABBE ASIDE AND I MAKE HIM SAY, "WHERE ARE THE OTHER ORDER MEMBERS?!" CRABBE SAYS, "NO I'LL NEVER TELL YOU!" THEN SIRIUS COMES AND SAYS, "YESS TELL US OR WELL KILL YOU!" "OKAY OKAY." SO CRABBE SET OTHER DEATH EATERS FREE BU THEN I MAKE MR. WEASLEY COME OUT AND SAY, "YOU HURT MY WIFE! AVADA KEDRVA!" AND KILLS CRABBE. LOL. SO THEN MY FRIEND PICKS UP SIRIUS CHESS PIECE AND MAKES HIM SAY, "YOU WERNT SUPPOSSED TO DO THAT. OH WELL." THEN THE ORDER SURROUNDS HARRY, LUPIN AND THE PON THAT SACRIFICE ITSELF AND GO, "YAY!" THEN HARRY WALKS UP TO A STAGE AND THE ORDER GATHERS AROUND LIKE AN AUDIENCE.

HARRY SINGS:
THANK GOODNESS FOR TODAY I COULDNT BE HAPPIER NO I COULDNT BE HAPPIER THOUGH IT IS A ADMIT THE TINIET BIT UNLIKE I ANTICIOATED BUT I COULDNT BE HAPPIER SIMPLY COULDNT BE HAPPIER BECAUSE BTHERES A KINDA A SORT OF..... COST. AND A COUPLE OF THINGS GET...LOST. WHERED GINNY GO? THERES BRIDGES YOU CROSS YOU DIDNT KNOW OUVE CROSSED UNTIL YOUVE CROSSED AND IF THAT JO THA THRILL DOESNT THRILL LIKE YOU THINK IT WIL...GINNY.THEN ONE OF THE PONS (GINNY) WALKS OUT AND GOES UP TO HARRY. AND THEY DANCE TOGETHER AND SING: WITH THIS PERFECT FINALE THE CHEERS AND THE BALLYHO WHO WOULDNT BE HAPPIER SO I COULDNT BE HAPPIER BECAUSE HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ALL UR DREAMS COME TRUE!


I know its wierd and sorry for it all being capitilized my computer went wierd...........
Then..... Ginny and Harry make out and Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley make out. Next Harry went on someones shoulders....who just happened to be Dumbledore. But if youve ever put one chess piece on top of another pretending they are people........well...........lets just say if you cant picture it then dont try to, So then he went on Sirius's shoulders.....wow that looked wrong too so.......well just forget about that.....yeah....... Anyway

Chess Funny Jokes : The Harry Potter Chess Game for fun

Me and my aquaintince were playing chess, and we decided to play the part of the Death Eaters and the Order, and my friend was the Order and I was the Death Eaters.

Here were the Order(aquaintince):
King = Dumbledore
Queen = Harry
Castles = Mr. and Mrs. Weasley
Knights = Moody and Tonks
Bishops = Lupin and Sirius
Pons = Insignificant

Here were the Death Eaters:

King = Voldemort
Queen: Snape
Castles: Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy
Knights: Crabbe and Goyle
Bishops: Rookwood and Lenstrange
Pons: Insignificant, one is Wormtail

Now the Game Starts :

1. On my 2nd and 3rd turn, I kill my friends two pons. Yay for Snape!
2. We play for a while and I capture Mrs. Weasley, then Tonks, then Moody.
3. Now my friend takes Goyle, then Rookwood, then Wormtail
4. Alright we are playing more then and I'm singing(Yes im singing and im a death eater!)
Me: "la la la HEY WHY IS GOYLE KISSING WORMTAIL???!!!!" (yes indeed I typed it right but seriously the horse dubbed goyle was kissing the poon wormtail.)
5. Lupin makes a good move and yeah i could of taken him and killed him eaisly but..........
Me: "YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL THAT I CANT KILL LUPIN!!!!! ITS LUPIN!!!!" (i mean really would you kill Lupin?!)
6. Now Harry makes his move. (Me: heh heh i can kill harry yes...)<> 7. Now for me to attack the king.......I quickly surround Dumbledorre with Snape, Mr. Malfoy, and Crabbe. The only one left to guard Dumbledore is Mr. Weasley.
8. Okay everything going normal when.....
Me: "NOW GOYLES KISSING ROOKWOOD!!!!" wow goyles cheating on his wife and on Wormatil. Naughty Naughty!
9. YAY! I capture Haryy Potter! (Mwah haha I killed him) And hes a queen to!
10. My friend takes Lenstange. Hey I dont care I hate her anyway - she pushed Sirius into the veil!
11. My friend's bishop makes a good move but I can kill him mwah ha ha but then........
Me: "DAMN IT I CANT KILL SIRIUS EITHER!!! JERK!!!"
12. My friend throws her tissue at me. -_-
Me: "FREAK! FREAK!"
13. Yes! I finally got Dumbledore at my knees...and by Snape nothenless! So Im chasing Dumbledore around ha ha!
14. Then Dumbledore turns around and kills Snape. (wow i didnt see that coming I was right behind him...)
Me: "SCORE FOR SNAPE! YEAH DUMBLEDORE KILLED HIM!" (yes i know that was one of my pieces but oh well ive still got crabbe and malfoy...)
15. Me: "Wait isnt there some move where you can switch one player with another?" *goes over to dad* "hey cant ou switch player?"
Dad: Yes, when the pon gets all the way to the other side, you can switch it with an piece that has been taken."
16. Two moves later my friend's pon gets to my side of the board. (dang it!) And Harry is ressurected (DANG IT!!) Nooooo!
17. Harry corners Voldemort: checkmate the game is over and the Order won.
18. HEY! THAT PROPHECY THINGY SAID THAT ONE WOULD KILL THE OTHER AND IT CAME TRUE EVEN IN A CHESS GAME! HARRY KILLED VOLDEMORT! BUT DUMBLEDORE'S STILL ALIVE!

Chess Jokes : Chess Funny Questions

For your own good, for the sake of your loved ones, take e few minutes to determine if you are a chess-o-holic.

Answer yes or no to the following questions:

1. As soon as you are out of bed, you log onto Chessclub.com "just for a quickie".

2. The bottom four links of the intellectual food-chain are fish, potzers, weakies, and "jerks who can’t even play".

3. When with your "most significant other" at that "most significant moment" you yell "Mate! Mate!"

4. In the absence of a most significant other, you fondle your Staunton pieces.

5. Kramnik excites you.
   
   Choose the response which fits you best:
   

6. Gentlemen, you find yourself seated on a bus next to this woman. Do you:

   1. Whip out your best come-on line;

   2. Whip out your little black book and ask the lady why her name’s not in it;

   3. Whip out your pocket-sized Russian dictionary;

   4. Whip out your pocket-sized chess set, push e-4, and growl, "Yer move, grandmaster!"
      

7. Ladies, you find yourself seated on a bus next to this man. Do you:

   1. Whip out your best "come-on-big-boy" look

   2. Whip out your patented pervert-repellent pepper spray;

   3. Whip out your Nikes and run for your life

   4. See above
      

8. The threat of global annihilation via nuclear holocaust:

   1. Is a result of the man above.

   2. Is the result of articles like this.

   3. Is evidence that we are in "End-Times"

   4. What the hell does that have to do with chess?
      

9. Vladimir Nabokov was:

   1. A Russian James Joyce with a dash of Poe in his veins.

   2. A fellow with a taste for unripe fruit.

   3. A butterfly chaser.

   4. Some guy who wrote a book about a nutty chess player.
      

10. Chess is:

    1. A metaphor for truth and beauty.

    2. A mystery all insoluble.

    3. Better than "doing the wild thing."

    4. ________________________(Fill in the blank)
       

Scoring:

• The mere fact that you took this test counts against you: negative 10 points.

• For every "yes" answer you gave, that’s negative another 10, pal.

• For every answer "d" you gave, you know what to do. (By the way, if you answered both questions 6 and 7, you have problems well beyond the scope of this article.)

• If you choose "d" for number 10 and said "Life", please close this web-page and go get one.

Rating:

• -30 to –50: Incipient Chess Addict. Seek professional help now! It’s not too late for you to get into a more healthy, fulfilling lifestyle, such as bungee-cord jumping, crocodile wrestling, or monster-truck fairs!

• -60 to –80: Confirmed Chess Abuser. Buddy, you’re a mess. With bloodshot eyes, you stagger from game to game, loose pawns in your raggedy pockets. You have so many old game-scores lying around your house that you use them for toilet-paper (which you forgot to buy). Do you think your mama had you so you could hit the board like Alekhine hit the bottle? Think it over.

• -90 an up. Ugante: You despise me, don’t you? Rick: If I gave you any thought, I probably would.

Chess Jokes: Chess cartoon 2

Chess Jokes: Kings Indian

(Two old friends get together after work for drinks and catch up on things)

• Joe: “How are things, do you still play chess like we did in the old days?”
• Larry: ”Sure do. In fact, I play almost every weekend down at the club.”
• Joe: “That must be tough on your personal life.”
• Larry: ”A couple of months ago, I told my wife that I was going to play in a tournament on our anniversary. She told me that if I went to the club that night, our marriage would be over!”
• Joe: “Wow. So what did you do?”
• Larry: “I played Nf3. I always play the Kings Indian Attack!”